I have learned that true purpose is not found in one grand pursuit but in the quiet moments of joy, the things we love, and the dreams we allow ourselves to follow every day.

This year, at the age of 56, I ran the Berlin Marathon—achieving my ‘wildly improbable dream!’ Just six weeks later, I became a grandmother for the first time. What I’ve learned is that age doesn’t define you. It just gives you better stories to tell. Yes, running the marathon stretched me in ways I hadn’t anticipated, but when we step beyond what feels comfortable, we grow in ways we never imagined. Each step brings us closer to living a life with fewer regrets.

Dreams are rarely smooth journeys. They challenge us to push through discomfort, teach us to embrace vulnerability, and show up even when there’s no guarantee of success. For me, this year wasn’t just about preparing for a marathon; it was about navigating the shifts of midlife. With all three of my children away from home, I found myself redefining my role as a mother and adjusting to a new chapter in my life. Training for the marathon tested my physical endurance, but the emotional side of empty nest was perhaps the hardest to navigate.

Through it all, I learned the power of small steps: consistently showing up, setting clear goals, and taking it one step at a time. I also came to appreciate having such an incredible support system. Their encouragement carried me through the toughest days and reminded me that life’s journey is best done with the special people in your life.

I’ve come to believe that the best way to look back on life without regret is to align your time with what matters most. Start by knowing where you want to go, then let your actions and decisions lead you there. The beautiful thing is that one dream often leads to another. Achieving a ‘wildly improbable dream’ fills you with a sense of possibility and self-belief. You start to see that you can achieve anything you set your heart on.

Imagine what’s possible if you gave yourself permission to pursue your wildly improbable dreams. This newsletter is filled with inspiring stories of clients who have done just that—finding joy, purpose, and creating lasting memories along the way. Perhaps purpose is simply doing what you love, each experience and memory you make adding a new chapter to who you are.

Our May 2024 Book of the Month is a fiction pick written by a well-known local author. Published in 2023, the novel is set on the Cape West Coast, a region that will be familiar to many South Africans.

The book’s theme is friendship and connection that spans decades and distance. The main characters met one another as university students in South Africa from the late 1960s into the ’70s, or through early jobs. In 2020, they have a long-awaited reunion to celebrate two 70th birthdays in their circle—the first time in 25 years that they have all managed to get together.

Of course, “life happens”, as it inevitably does: a few had left South Africa for another country; others had divorced or lost their partners; some now had adult children plus recent grandchildren; a less-traditional family unit had taken shape; and a couple of them were dealing with life-threatening illness and traumatic events.

The story also embraces the dreams, hopes, and trials of the next generation attending the celebrations at the St Helena Bay beach house—their young lives intertwined because of their parents’ enduring bond.

While the book essentially covers a celebratory weekend in early March 2020, in the looming shadow of COVID-19, the personal journeys of the various characters emerge throughout the book.

And for those wondering about the book title, it was the whimsical name they gave to their reunion-planning WhatsApp group!

Our Chartered client library has a copy of this relatable novel, which can be borrowed on a short-term basis.

By Stephen Marcus Finn

Many of us have had to cope with elderly or really old family members who have fallen into decrepitude. They have not been able to meet physical or cognitive demands and were unprepared to move into that new phase of life. The result was that we have had to take on all the responsibility.

And now many of us are reaching that stage, too, and we’re reasonably sure that none of us would want to put that burden on our children or even grandchildren.

So how should we prepare? One way is to visit a geriatrician. Babies and children have needs different from adults; hence, there are medical doctors who specialise in this field: pediatricians. Similarly, older adults have medical concerns different from those they had when they were younger; and here the specialists are geriatricians.

At this stage, my wife, Louis and I, are physically, cognitively and emotionally healthy, still working and working out, still having a hectic cultural life, still travelling a lot, and relishing our family. We realise, however, that this might hit a hiccough, or something more permanent, at some stage, whether it’s in a few months or several decades. We felt we needed a baseline to compare ourselves to ourselves as we get older.

We have been going to a physician annually for over thirty years and, excellent though he is, he is not an expert on those who are not in the first flush of youth, the more mature, the elderly. It’s time for a geriatrician whom we went to a few months ago. She questioned us in detail about our lifestyle (from what we ate to what medications we were on to how we occupied ourselves to whether we lived in a house with stairs or not), looked at our blood results, examined us physically, and tested our cognitive skills with a series of tasks that ranged from memory to vocabulary to arithmetic skills to drawing. She then gave us a frank assessment of our state of being and arranged another appointment for next year.

She will also watch us closely and in the event of either or both of us slipping in any way, we will be able to make plans as to what to do, where to go, how to manage ourselves, before our children have that burden. And that is another important aspect of going to a geriatrician: not to leave the arrangements for care to others; to do it all ourselves while we can. In this way we can be in control of our lives for longer. However, we must all be frank and honest with ourselves about this. Don’t say: “I’ll know when it’s time to move into a retirement home; I’ll know when I should stop driving; I’ll know when I can’t hear that well anymore.” By the time you should know it, you might not be capable of managing it. You might not know anymore what you should know. This is also where geriatricians are important: they will lead you to this realisation in time.

All of us have taken the first important, even vital, step towards planning for our lives as we age by our being part of Chartered Wealth, who have a number of people who are gerontologists, who manage and advise us on our lifestyle and finances.

You might ask what the difference is between a geriatrician and a gerontologist. Gerontologists are professionals who are qualified to work with the elderly; they can be nurses, psychologists, social workers and financial planners. All geriatricians are gerontologists, but not all gerontologists are geriatricians. South Africa has about twenty registered geriatricians in the Western Cape, Gauteng and KwaZulu Natal.

It’s important that we go not only to gerontologists but to geriatricians before our get up and go has got up and gone.

Click here for a list of geriatricians as provided by the South African Geriatrics Society.

Chartered client Sarah knows all too well the long shadow Alzheimer’s disease can cast on families. Witnessing her father’s decline has been a heartbreaking journey, filled with frustration and a deep sense of loss.

“It started subtly,” Sarah recalls. “Misplaced keys, forgotten appointments, struggles to find the right words. We brushed it off as normal forgetfulness that comes with age.” But as time passed, the forgetfulness morphed into something more concerning. Simple tasks became overwhelming, and conversations repetitive. “My dad fell prey to scams,” Sarah shared, “which left him feeling vulnerable and embarrassed to admit his mistakes.”

Sarah’s attempts to discuss her father’s condition were met with resistance. “He wouldn’t accept there was a problem,” she explains. “It was incredibly frustrating. How do you talk to someone about a disease they refuse to acknowledge?” This is a common challenge for families facing Alzheimer’s. The disease’s insidious nature can cloud judgment and make admitting vulnerability difficult. But Sarah’s story emphasises a crucial message: early conversations about future care, even before any signs of dementia, are essential.

Wall of Denial

One of the hardest aspects was dealing with her dad’s denial. He adamantly refused to discuss his condition or accept help. This extended to finances, daily responsibilities, and his overall deteriorating state. His pride and stubbornness made constructive conversations nearly impossible. Sarah’s attempts to discuss planning and support were met with resistance, sometimes anger.

The Burden of Responsibility

As the signs became undeniable, Sarah’s concerns grew not just for her dad but also for her disabled brother, who depended on him entirely. The realisation that her dad’s declining ability to manage finances could jeopardise her brother’s future added immense pressure. He managed his own investments, paid for his son’s medical aid, and handled all financial affairs. If he were to pass away or become incapacitated, Sarah would be left to untangle the financial mess.

Taking Action

Over time, Sarah took incremental steps to secure her dad’s and brother’s future. This involved gathering information about his assets, creating a folder with important documents, and gaining third-party access to his medical aid. She managed to set up a trust for her brother.

Emotional Toll

The emotional toll of this journey cannot be understated. Witnessing her dad struggle with cognitive tests was heartbreaking. The frustration of his denial, coupled with the immense responsibility of managing his affairs, strained her relationships with him. It was difficult not to become resentful as her time and energy were consumed.

Practical Advice

For those in similar situations, here are some practical steps to consider:

• Legal Preparedness: Understand the limitations of the power of attorney and consider appointing an administrator or curator for someone who loses mental capacity.
• Financial Planning: Ensure all financial documents are organised and accessible. Gain access to bank accounts, medical aid, and other essential services.
• Seek Professional Help: For guidance and support, consult financial planners, legal advisors, and medical professionals.
• Emotional Support: Don’t underestimate the emotional burden. Seek support from family, friends, or professional counsellors.

Approaching the Conversation

Planning for the future empowers you to make informed decisions when the time comes. That’s why having open conversations, however difficult, is essential. They require a great deal of empathy and a willingness to navigate challenging emotions. Most importantly, they need patience, as reaching an understanding may take several conversations.

Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone; organisations https://www.dementiasa.org/ and https://www.adasa.org.za/ are there to help.

Check-in with your check-ups

During my time with Chip Conley at his Learning to Love Midlife workshop at the Modern Elder Academy (MEA), I realised that I may still have half my life ahead of me. At 55, it’s certainly not the time to start thinking about slowing down or stepping back. I have more life left than I thought! But it also made me realise that it was time to check in with my health.

Am I keeping fit? Check. I’m running half marathons and train regularly.
Am I eating healthy? Check. Apart from my sugar cravings, I do my best.
Do I have any outstanding medical check-ups? No.
How am I doing emotionally and mentally? I’m doing the best I can. Midlife can get messy, and with so many changes to navigate in this “messy middle” part of my life, the one thing I can do is make sure I take time out when I need to – to reflect, do the introspection, be grateful and be open to embracing wisdom and intuition.

So, what part of my health have I neglected? My teeth.

I needed braces as a child, but as my dad did not have medical aid, it was never an option. As an adult, getting braces was also never a priority for me (I was never going to be that beauty queen with perfect teeth anyway!) Now, in my mid-50s, the dentists tell me that the overcrowding in my mouth could cause my bite to go out of alignment if left untreated. I wish I’d known earlier in my life that braces are not just for aesthetic reasons. One of the most important reasons for getting braces is to correct your ‘bite’ and ensure the long-term health of your teeth.

Honestly, it’s hard getting braces in your 50s. Not only has the first week been extremely painful, but it’s also a mental adjustment that I need to make. Holistic health means looking after every part of our bodies, minds and hearts (including our teeth) and preparing well for our longer lives.

Is there any part of your health you’ve neglected or just haven’t gotten around to? A check-up that you’ve been putting off? A hip or knee replacement that feels too daunting? Perhaps it’s time to take action sooner rather than later, remembering that our bodies and minds are our most valuable assets.

Taking care of our health is a continuous journey, especially as we age. By prioritising our well-being, we can try our best to live our remaining years with vitality and purpose. So, whether it’s a dental check-up, a fitness routine, or a procedure you’ve delayed, let’s commit to our health today. Your future self will thank you.

Inspired by Kim’s blog on the power of permission slips, this month’s conversation starter revolves around conversations with ourselves, learning to silence the inner critic, and giving ourselves permission to honour our authentic selves.

The Permission Slip Exercise

We all harbour thoughts, ideas, or beliefs that hold us back. Ask yourself:

• What are the qualities, thoughts, or inner voices you need to banish?
• What new beliefs and qualities can you focus on to allow yourself to thrive?

Answer these questions and jot down the limiting beliefs to banish alongside the ones to embrace.

Examples of Self-Permission

Granting ourselves permission takes many shapes; here are a few examples to explore:

• Permission to Say No: It’s okay to decline requests that don’t align with your values or current priorities. Permit yourself to prioritise your own needs.
• Permission to Rest: Prioritise your well-being! Grant yourself permission to recharge without feeling guilty.
• Permission to Celebrate: Celebrate moments and achievements, whether big or small.
• Permission to Change Your Mind: We’re constantly evolving. Give yourself the flexibility to change your opinions or plans as you gain new insights or experiences. It’s okay to pivot when necessary.
• Permission to Pursue Passion: Make time for activities that bring you joy, even if they don’t seem practical.
• Permission to Disconnect: In our hyper-connected world, grant yourself permission to unplug from technology to reconnect with yourself and your surroundings.
• Permission to Ask for Help: You don’t have to do everything alone. Allow yourself to seek support when you need it.
• Permission to Prioritise Self-Care: Make your physical, mental, and emotional health a priority. Grant yourself permission to invest in self-care practices that nourish and rejuvenate you.
• Permission to Set Boundaries: Give yourself permission to set boundaries that protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being.
• Permission to Just Be: Sometimes, we just need permission to exist peacefully in the present moment without striving or needing to achieve anything. Give yourself space to breathe, be comfortable in your own skin, and simply “be.”

Sticky Note Reminders

Writing your permission slips on sticky notes and placing them on your mirror, fridge, or above your desk serves as potent reminders and often helps silence the inner critic.

Your Turn

So, what are you going to give yourself permission to do this year? Share your permission slip ideas in the comments below.

Have you ever found yourself standing on the edge of a decision, just waiting for someone to say it’s ok before you take the plunge? To give you the approval for what you’d like to do? Or stop yourself from doing something because it feels unfamiliar? You’re not alone. It’s human nature. We all hold ourselves back sometimes.

But what if the only permission slip you truly need is from yourself? Why not write yourself a ‘permission slip’ and give yourself the freedom – and permission – to feel, behave, and live exactly as you want to? Within reason (and your spending plan), of course…

Brené Brown uses the term’ permission slips’ as a way to allow yourself to feel (or do something) that might be out of your comfort zone or that’s new to you. It’s similar to the ones we, as parents, received from school, allowing our children to go on school outings. Last week, I was immersed in the Learning to Love Midlife workshop presented by Chip Conley at the Elder Academy. I was completely taken aback when a ‘learning to surf’ activity was suggested! I’m 55 and have never surfed before! Why try now? My initial response was quickly followed by another voice: what if I hurt myself? And then, “What if I can’t do it – and embarrass myself?”

What I really needed to do was give myself permission not to think about everything that could possibly go wrong but rather to focus my energy on thinking how cool it would be to actually feel what it’s like to surf, to try something new, and to expand myself instead of limiting what could be possible.

So yes! I surfed! Loved it and even managed to stand on the board and ride a wave! Of course, I had an instructor who helped me each step of the way – and in all honesty, the wave was very small! But I surfed in Mexico; more than that, it’s given me the confidence to try new things.

Sometimes, we hold ourselves back, waiting for permission, or do things just to gain approval. Other times, we avoid doing them completely for fear of disappointing someone close to us. This behavioural pattern often plays out within our closest relationships. Asking for permission can also become a convenient excuse – “We would have loved to, but our children advised us against it.” Deep down, we’re actually just looking for a reason not to.

It seems that at Chartered, we’ve become quite the go-to when it comes to tricky financial requests from the family. Next time the question of lending money to your adult children comes up, have your answer ready: ‘Sorry, we’d love to help, but Kim and Jason looked at the numbers and advised us not to.’ And yes, when it’s time to treat yourself and go on that trip, count on us to cheer you on: “Of course, financially, you are absolutely able to take that trip!”

As we promise to give ourselves permission to try new experiences, it’s important to consider the impact on our financial planning. Sometimes, we all need objective advice, especially regarding our money and financial security. Your Planning Specialist knows exactly how your actions will impact your planning and will always be available to give you objective advice and guidance without compromising your financial wellness – ensuring that your money is aligned with your life.

Reviewed by Karen Wilson

The workings of the human mind and the brain (Dr Leaf explains the distinction) make fascinating and complex subject matter. The author of Cleaning up your Mental Mess tells us that people are not totally at the mercy of their thoughts, and that anxiety, stress, trauma, and toxic thinking can be addressed with some mind management techniques. In her words, “events and circumstances can’t be controlled”; however, “we can control our reactions”.

Throughout the book Dr Leaf highlights the neuroplasticity of the brain – how it changes in response to positive or negative thought patterns that also impact our physical health. Her solution for “mental mess” is a five-step learning process she has dubbed ‘the Neurocycle’, which is designed to make you more aware of your thinking/feeling/choosing around an issue, reflect on it, write it down, reconceptualize, and take action steps to implement your new thinking.

According to Dr Leaf’s extensive research, her Neurocycle needs to be practised consistently for at least 63 days (the widely held belief that it takes 21 days to form a habit doesn’t apply here!) to produce real change. She claims that toxic stress and anxiety can be reduced by up to 81% using her five-step Neurocycle and, since your mental landscape is not static, suggests that the ideal approach would be to make this an ongoing lifestyle. She also refers to an app (not free), which she developed to complement the book.

The book is divided into two parts, with the first half focusing on clinical research data that may prove heavy-going for readers who don’t want to learn about the finer points of alpha and beta brain waves or the effects of unmanaged stress on blood measures and chromosomes. This forms the foundation for the Neurocycle that she elaborates on in Part 2. Her writing is inclined to be a little repetitive.

Dr Caroline Leaf is a US-based communication pathologist and neuroscientist who has done research in her field for over 30 years. Her book is available in our Chartered client library for short-term loan.