Why forgetting a name isn’t the whole story
I was mid-sentence when it happened. The name was right there. I could see the person’s face. I could hear the story. But the name was gone.
So I paused and consulted my personal librarian, the one who curates my brain’s filing system.
“Do you have any idea,” she says, gesturing around her, “how many files you’ve given me to manage?”
And it’s true. Decades of conversations. Clients. Family stories. Lessons. Books. Travel. Loss. Growth. Thousands of names. Thousands of stories.
Eventually, the answer arrives, usually later, often when I’ve stopped trying so hard to remember.
Can you relate? That moment when a name or memory is just out of reach. It can be frustrating.
It was Arthur Brooks who introduced me to the idea of our “personal research librarian,” the part of the brain tasked with sifting through a vast archive of lived experience. The moment I understood that my librarian, slightly slow and perhaps a little disheveled, has an enormous job to do, something shifted. I stopped blaming myself and started appreciating the size of the library.
In From Strength to Strength, Brooks explains that when we are younger, we rely heavily on fluid intelligence. That is the quick thinking, rapid recall, and ability to solve new problems fast. As we grow older, fluid intelligence may soften, but crystallised intelligence strengthens.
Crystallised intelligence is built from experience. It is pattern recognition, judgement and wisdom. It is the ability to teach, guide and connect ideas across decades.
Brooks suggests that happiness in the second half of life depends on recognising this shift, accepting it, and learning how to use it well. This really resonates with me. It reminds me of something Viktor Frankl once wrote. Early in life, he said, we tend to ask, “What can I expect from life?” Later, the question changes to, “What does life expect of me?”
That feels like the heart of crystallised intelligence.
Perhaps this chapter is not about trying to think the way we did at thirty. Maybe it’s about asking how our experience, our judgement and our perspective can serve something bigger than ourselves.
I see this in my new role at Chartered. My work has shifted. I am less focused on doing everything myself and far more energised by mentoring, teaching, offering counsel and being of service. I enjoy guiding younger planners and bringing perspective. And I have realised that this kind of contribution feels deeply satisfying.
So yes, I look after my brain. I exercise, I challenge it with new tasks (I am now surprisingly competent at setting up smart TVs and installing remote controls) and use supplements like creatine and magnesium. I’ve also found that meditation really helps with focus and clarity.
But in the end, acceptance may be the most powerful support of all.
This chapter of life may ask us to use our gifts differently, with less rush and more wisdom, less proving and more serving.
And that, I think, is a beautiful trade.
Roger Ketley
What a great way of looking at it , Kim, but I still think we need to look after our librarians, no matter how disheveled.
Carl Geldenhuys
Hi Kim,
You have made my day. You have confirmed that I do not have Alzheimer’s disease.
At 76 at still working as an Adjudicator and Arbitrator.
I compare my brain with a computer’s hard drive. It has only so much capacity at my age and you have to “delete” some data before you can store more data. And that name you have forgotten has been deleted, but not permanently. That is why it will suddenly be back again without even thinking about is.
By the way. In the period before retirement I have spent many hours with my mentees and my favorite quote was:
Young man, with your expertise you can run circles around me, but with my experience, which you cannot buy or study as experience is a product of time, I can run right through you!!
Retire Successfully
Thank you for sharing this — we love the hard-drive analogy.
Forgetting a name is something almost everyone experiences, and as you say, it often simply means the brain is prioritising what matters most. Your quote about experience is wonderful too. Expertise can be studied, but experience is earned over time. We are sure your mentees benefited enormously from those conversations.
Lynette Paxton
Thanks Kim. At 80 I am still working part-time as a bookkeeper.
I like your second-last line. I have been wondering how to be useful to others at this time of my life.
I too find that a “name” comes to me if I don’t try too hard.
I also like Carl Geldenhuys’ last paragraph very much.
I have collected, over the years, a big pile of quotes, stories, axioms from books, pamphlets etc on how to live life and how to be myself – a large section of them being spiritual. I plan to collate them into plastic sleeves in some sort of order in subjects, and use them to help others (as the information has helped me).