The Correspondent is the quietly powerful first (published) novel of Virginia Evans. With a low-key book title and a letter-writing septuagenarian as the central character, you’d be forgiven for not expecting a gripping page-turner of a novel. The entire book is a series of correspondence between fiercely independent Sybil Van Antwerp and others – family, friends, a neighbour, a troubled teen, a refugee, various authors and institutions, to mention a few. I was surprised at how quickly I was drawn into Sybil’s life, past and present, through the letters she writes and receives.
Handwritten letters are now largely a relic of the past, but for Sybil, they always provided scaffolding in her life, from childhood into adulthood, and still support her in her senior years. She eschews phones and uses email reluctantly, dreading the fast-approaching time when her failing eyesight will put an end to her penmanship.
Letter by letter, Sybil’s life unfolds, and we learn about her origins and upbringing, her career, marriage and motherhood, her fears, and the family tragedy that left an indelible mark on her and those closest to her. Her deepest and most vulnerable thoughts are laid out in an ongoing, unmailed letter. As the book progresses, we see Sybil starting to break out of her writing cocoon to connect personally with some of the people she initially interacted with from a distance and eventually trying to rebuild damaged relationships.
Beautifully written, with gentle touches of humour, The Correspondent flows easily from beginning to end. It is well worth a read and, if you have a lazy Sunday coming up, you may find yourself doing so cover to cover in a day.
We are singularly blessed to spend our retirement in what I consider to be my very own Garden of Eden. Our home is nestled in a magnificent coastal forest estate on the KZN North Coast, where we enjoy breathtaking sea views and are surrounded on three sides by pristine coastal forests.
Living so immersed in nature is incredibly therapeutic, though it has its share of unexpected visitors. We’ve had our fair share of snake encounters—usually harmless Natal Green snakes (at least, according to me!). The abundance of monkeys can be troublesome, but we’ve learned to baton down the hatches when they come through. Fortunately, they don’t linger for long. We purchased monkey screens for Christmas, which has certainly helped keep them at bay!
A Leap of Faith: Moving from Gauteng to the Coast
I was initially reluctant to leave my life and home in Gauteng – we spent 54 wonderful years in Vereeniging. Quite frankly, I couldn’t imagine calling anywhere else home. Although we owned our coastal house for nearly 30 years, it was always just our holiday retreat.
Taking the plunge to move permanently was a significant decision but one we don’t regret. Our new life is even better than our old one. Still, I’ve realised that embracing change requires actively seeking out new experiences and opportunities.
Golf, Friendships, and the Unpredictable Weather
As an avid golfer, I quickly found my way onto the fairways and was warmly welcomed by a fantastic group of like-minded women. In a good week, I play up to four rounds—though the weather here is far less predictable than on the Highveld. Wind and rain make for challenging conditions, but if you wait for a calm day, you won’t play much golf at all!
A Commitment to Conservation
Caring for the environment has always been important to me, and I’ve found a wonderful way to contribute through a monthly beach clean-up group. Walking along the shoreline, I can’t help but pick up discarded plastic and polystyrene—so much so that I now won’t go for a beach walk without a garbage bag slung over my shoulder.
Beyond the beach, the estate boasts well-marked walking trails winding through the coastal forests. These walks often bring me face-to-face with bushbuck, blue duiker, and a spectacular variety of birdlife. There’s something deeply meditative about strolling through these trails, surrounded by nothing but the quiet hum of nature.
Quizzing, Camaraderie, and a Good Glass of Wine
My husband and I are keen quizzers and have been lucky to join a local quiz team. More often than not, we’re the go-to sources for any pre-1980s trivia! Despite the age gap, our younger teammates have embraced us warmly. Of course, no quiz night is complete without a delicious meal and a few generous glasses of red wine.
Up Close with the Estate’s Feathered Residents
I recently had the privilege of joining a bird-ringing event on the estate, where expert birders set up special nets before sunrise to safely capture and tag wild birds for research. Each bird was carefully weighed, measured, and released, with the data sent to the University of Cape Town.
The findings were fascinating—a resident crowned eagle is at least 29 years old, and a tagged bird returning from Antarctica had lost 50% of its body weight on the journey. We even learned how to hold a bird properly; some remained perched on our fingers despite being unrestrained. With over 250 bird species on the estate, it was a rare treat to get up close with around 20 of them, including the elusive Marsh Fluff Tail.
Living in Our Own Garden of Eden
These are just a few of the many reasons why we believe we live in a little slice of paradise. Retirement here has been more rewarding than we could have ever imagined. What more could anyone ask for?
“If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.” Hugh Grant, Love Actually
Valentine’s Day often comes wrapped in red roses, chocolates, and grand gestures. But if you take a step back, you’ll see that love is actually something much simpler – and far more powerful. It’s in the quiet moments we take for granted – the everyday kindness, the way we show up. It’s in the breathtaking bear hug that makes you feel safe, the soft, gentle embrace that whispers, I see you, I’m here, and I care. It’s in the deep listening that makes someone feel truly seen. Because love is what we give of ourselves.
Love without expectation
Love doesn’t always have to result in something more. It does not have to be a date, a phone call, or dinner. Love sometimes simply exists in a moment. Shared and appreciated for what it is. One of the most unforgettable moments in Love Actually is when Mark stands at Juliet’s door, silently expressing his love through a series of handwritten cue cards. He knows his love is unreciprocated, but still, he chooses to honour it. As he walks away, he tells himself:
“Enough. Enough now.”
It’s a moment of love expressed without expectation – not to change anything, but simply to say I see you, I care for you, and then to let go.
A love letter to life
Love isn’t just about romance. It’s in how we choose to live our lives, how we love ourselves, the friendships we treasure, and the family who fills our hearts. It’s in a heartfelt conversation with a best friend, listening to a favourite song, or familiarity with watching your favourite movie over again.
And sometimes, love is best expressed in the simplest ways:
Listening. Not to respond, not to fix – just to hear someone.
Touching. A warm hug, a squeeze of the hand, a reassuring pat on the back.
Showing up. Being present, being there, making someone feel valued simply by giving them your time.
Rediscovering romance
It’s easy to take love for granted. Maybe you’ve loved and lost. Maybe you’re in a relationship where love has settled into quiet familiarity. Or maybe you’re still searching for a new connection. Wherever you find yourself, never give up on love. Romance does not have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as being brave enough to speak to someone new, taking a morning walk with someone you love, sharing a cup of coffee, or listening – really listening – even if you’ve heard the story before.
This year, I’ve set an intention to practice random acts of kindness, spreading love in small, unexpected ways. Maybe you’d like to join me? It could be as simple as leaving a note for someone, paying a compliment, or calling an old friend just to check in.
Because, at the end of the day, love is about reminding people that they are loved.
The thrill of opportunity and the promise of a brighter future—these are the images often painted when our children or grandchildren decide to spread their wings and fly to foreign shores. Yet, beneath the excitement and logic that propel us to cheer them on, there lies a profound and often unexpected grief. It’s a complex emotion, a bittersweet mix of pride and pain, that echoes in the hearts of countless South African parents and grandparents.
My own journey with this complex emotion began this month when my son Mike embarked on an adventure to pursue his master’s degree in international business at the University of South Carolina, a programme that qualifies him for a work visa and subsequent career opportunities in the United States, making it uncertain if and when he will return home. On the surface, it was a decision brimming with potential and excitement. Below this excitement, however, was a growing sense of emptiness. The realisation that my daily interactions, the shared laughter, and his comforting presence would be replaced by fleeting visits and digital connections was a stark and sobering truth.
It’s a grief that often feels at odds with the circumstances. Logic dictates that this is a positive chapter, a stepping stone to a fulfilling life. But the heart, it seems, has its own agenda. It yearns for the familiar, the comforting rhythms of shared existence.
This experience was amplified when I considered the impact of Mike’s departure on my parents. The passage of time, with its inherent fragility, casts a different light on these farewells. While I can still plan and anticipate future visits, their ability to do the same is limited by the uncertainties of age, making the goodbye even more heart-wrenching.
My mother found comfort in the words of Kahlil Gibran, which she shared with me. His poignant reflection on children as “arrows loaned to you by life” resonated deeply with her. As he writes, “They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.” These words, while offering little comfort in the moment, provided a broader perspective on the cyclical nature of life.
So, how do we navigate this complex landscape of emotions?
Acknowledge your feelings: It’s essential to give yourself permission to grieve. This isn’t about denying the opportunities or minimising the achievements; it’s about acknowledging the depth of your love and the changes that accompany this new chapter.
Build a support network: Connect with other people who are experiencing similar emotions. Sharing your feelings can be incredibly therapeutic.
Embrace technology: While it can never replace physical presence, technology offers invaluable connections and can help bridge geographical distances.
Create new rituals: Establish new traditions to mark special occasions. Whether it’s a weekly video call, a WhatsApp group, or a virtual family gathering, these rituals can provide a sense of continuity. My son created a WhatsApp group for the extended family where he posts videos, pictures, and daily ramblings.
Don’t be afraid of social media: If your grandchildren/children are on Instagram or TikTok, go ahead and create an account and follow them. This can be a great way to stay connected and up-to-date with their lives.
Remember, this is a journey, not a destination. It’s about finding a balance between celebrating their successes and honouring your own emotions. With time, the pain will soften, and the joy of their accomplishments will continue to grow. Hopefully, one day, the distance will feel like a bridge rather than a barrier, cultivating a deeper and more meaningful connection.
By now, we are well-acquainted with the notion that nothing in life is constant except for change (and taxes, of course!). While it’s tax season, don’t worry, that’s not the focus today. Instead, I want to talk about the kind of change that transforms your life and demands that you reassess your path forward.
I recently presented a workshop where I shared my insights from Chip Conley’s Learning to Love Midlife course. What struck me about this phase of life, which Conley suggests can last up to the age of 75 – or even longer – is how many transitions we navigate. It’s rarely just one change at a time – but a convergence of many shifts all at once. Many participants struggled with significant transitions intertwined with unexpected changes and emotional turmoil. These ranged from relocation and relationship changes to physical and psychological challenges, losing loved ones, changes in how we approach work, and often, a deep search for meaning and purpose.
Navigating difficult situations
Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by a transition, as if you’re drowning in doubt and uncertainty – wishing someone would throw you a lifeline? The good news is that you have your very own lifeline – filled with the lessons and wisdom you’ve accumulated and applied throughout your life. Imagine your life as an unwritten book, with each new day offering a blank page waiting for your mark. Your past experiences provide the inspiration to write your future, helping you navigate the complexities and challenges of trying times. Of course, music can also be a great companion for finding solace.
Drawing your Lifeline
To give you an idea of what this exercise is about, here is a snapshot of the most recent part of mine. It involves reflecting on your life so far and identifying the stories that shaped who you are today. Include all the key moments of your life, from birth to the present day. Everything above the middle line represents high points, and everything below the line represents low points that made you feel unhappy or challenged.
Reflect on your Lifeline
What lessons can you take from your timeline? Are there any significant themes? What (and who) helped you through your lows; what (and who) supported you during your highs? What strengths did you find to help you through your lows? Is there anything you could or would have done differently, knowing what you know now? Can you document all the lessons and wisdom you have gained?
Embrace your Inner Strengths
When I look at my lifeline, I reflect on what each story is teaching me and what I can learn from every transition. I consider the strengths that helped me through previous difficult situations and think about how I can draw on those strengths now. It’s often your inner strength that pulls you through.
I do believe that things happen for a reason and that the story of your life is a powerful teacher. And then there’s always music! In times of change, I often turn to music. Natasha Bedingfield’s song Unwritten reminds me that there are always ways to find comfort and strength in the unwritten possibilities ahead.
I hope the lifeline exercise benefits you as much as it’s helping me right now. If you’re looking for a song to draw, reflect on, and work to, here’s a link to Unwritten: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI
And the promise to tackle foreboding joy in the scrum of life
I have shared all my first-time, brand-new, and exciting experiences with you every month this year. This month, I am standing on the edge, waiting for a significant change in my life – becoming an empty nester for the first time. My daughter, Gabi, will embrace her next chapter of studying Civil Engineering at Stellenbosch University next year. While I have so many mixed emotions ranging from pride, love and anticipation – to fear, dread and anxiousness, I remind myself to stay focused on the present and enjoy the time we have now, rather than be overwhelmed by the worries of next year.
Have you ever spent so much time worrying about the what ifs that the beautiful, joyous moments of the present pass you by? Do you find yourself constantly worrying about things that haven’t happened yet?
I’m incredibly proud of Gabi’s achievements and her choice to pursue a career in engineering. I love every minute of my time with her. Still, I constantly guard myself not to be overly concerned about everything that could possibly go wrong or pre-empting the dread of an empty home and losing those daily moments with her.
In a wonderful social media post, Brent Lindeque (The Good Things Guy) reminded me of a term called anticipatory grief – when you worry or grieve about things that haven’t happened yet (like many South Africans did 70 minutes into the Springbok-England Rugby World Cup Semi-finals). At the very least, we were all panicking just a little bit! I am convinced that only the bravest of us resisted grieving ahead of schedule!
But rugby aside, Brent makes a good point when he shares that South Africans may be in a constant state of anticipatory grief – waiting for the next corruption scandal, waiting to hear more bad news, waiting for load-shedding, more potholes, inflation, another war … Similarly, the concept foreboding joy, coined by Brené Brown, captures the internal conflict we feel when joy is immediately followed by worry and fear. We end up catastrophising, wasting our time worrying about things that haven’t happened, and in the process, we have no time or space left to embrace the joy and happiness of our present.
I’ve seen how the initial excitement of retirement can be replaced by fears and questions like “What will I do with my life?” or “Will my money last?” and “What if my health fails?” I have spoken to many people whose children are emigrating, and the fear and worry for their future start way before they leave the country. I’ve noticed how fear and worry can deter people from trying new things. It seems we are all constantly worrying, letting the impending fear of loss and change overshadow the potential joy of living in the present moment.
So, how do we move past this cycle of anticipatory grief? The answer, I believe, lies in being present. Embrace each moment fully and focus on gratitude, all the positive aspects of change, and the many new adventures that change will bring.
So, no anticipating grief this Saturday during the World Cup Rugby Final! No foreboding joy allowed! This is the 8th Rugby World Cup tournament that SA is playing; we’ve won the Cup three times and have never lost a final! There’s nothing to worry about.
The authors of this book (published in 2023) are the current programme directors of a Harvard research project that has been ongoing for an impressive 84 years. It has followed the lives of diverse participants, from their early teens through their senior years, incorporating a second generation along the way – all in a quest to deliver what the title of the book promises.
They aren’t, however, promising a shortcut to euphoria, and the authors do clarify that they are referring to eudaimonic happiness, which is “a state of deep well-being in which a person feels that their life has meaning and purpose” despite the inevitable disappointments, trauma and loss that we all experience over a lifetime.
It all comes down to relationships; other studies over the years also back up the data from the Harvard Study, i.e., quality relationships play a pivotal role in supporting our health and happiness. The Harvard Study participants who fared best in terms of happiness had strong relationships and were in better mental and physical shape into their 80s. Quality of and satisfaction with your relationships count and provide ‘armour’ when life delivers hard knocks.
The message is that all relationships – spanning spouses, family, colleagues, and friends – need effort towards embracing openness, offering and asking for support, facing into challenges, taking time to pause and understand emotions and situations better, paying attention (especially to long-term relationships that have shifted into autopilot) and showing genuine curiosity. Even interacting with a stranger can boost mood and open up opportunities. Loss of friends following retirement is quite common, and the authors encourage being purposeful about maintaining and creating social connections as life progresses.
The book provides some mini-Harvard-Study tools to gauge your ‘Social Fitness’ and plot your ‘Social Universe’, as well as a ‘W.I.S.E.R.’ model for dealing with challenging relationship events. Several life stories and comparisons among individuals who have participated in the Harvard project are included and add the human element to the research data.
A copy of The Good Life and How to Live It – Lessons from the World’s Longest Study on Happiness is available for short-term loan from our Chartered Client Library.
My first-time not-unusual Delilah-cious encounter with Tom Jones
Okay, my article heading may be a bit too much! But if you’ve seen Sir Tom Jones perform “It’s Not Unusual” and “Delilah” live on stage, you might also find yourself humming to “Green Green Grass of Home” while watching the Springboks play in the Rugby World Cup.
Every year, Jean and I plan an overseas trip together, and we always add something new – a fresh experience that we’ll both enjoy. Just as we’ve done in the past by adding a Rod Stewart and Billy Joel concert to our itinerary, this year we chose a show featuring none other than Tom Jones in Germany.
At 83, Tom Jones is still rocking on! Thinking back on my first-time experiences this year, this one really hit home. Age is just a number, right? Not that anyone’s counting, but here was Tom Jones, who began his career in the 1960s, still performing his classics to a crowd of over 10,000 people – all loving his music. 83 is a number that may make many want to slow down or take things easy. But not him. He’s still busting the age myth, one tune at a time! It made me question the constraints I sometimes impose on myself due to age. Do I use my age as an excuse not to do certain things?
My father was a huge fan of Tom Jones, which is how I was introduced to his songs. This experience has reminded me of a dream I once had: to run in the Comrades Marathon using my late dad’s double green number. In fact, 81-year-old Johannes Mosehla broke a 34-year-old record this year by becoming the oldest runner to complete the Comrades. Still, running the Comrades is not for everyone, and for now, I am very happy with my achievement of having completed my first 21km race.
One thing that I was certainly not too old – or too young – to try was beer! An unusual choice for me. Beer is certainly not my preferred drink, but whilst at a Beer Festival, I thought, “Why not?” and gave it a go. The result? An unforgettable memory – one I will cherish and laugh about for years to come.
The true magic of this trip was sharing it with Jean, a truly special friend. I’ve mentioned Robert Waldinger’s Harvard research before, which finds that the secret to a long and healthy life lies in connections and close relationships with significant people. This may just be what inspired Tom Jones and Dolly Parton to write “Islands in the Stream.” Without our special people, the ones we love and those who make our souls sing, we are simply islands adrift in the stream of life.
Let’s promise ourselves not to let age hold us back and to cherish our connections in the flowing river of life,
Earlier this month, on a seemingly ordinary Saturday evening, on our way to meet our family for dinner, my husband Gys and I were involved in a car accident. Despite my car being written off and being very shaken, Gys and I escaped unscathed.
While the accident only took seconds, it felt like an eternity, and during those split seconds, I genuinely thought it might be the end for us. It was a terrifying wake-up call that reminded me how the course of our lives can be forever altered in a single second.
The following day, as I pondered the events, three crucial questions surfaced in my mind. Firstly, I asked myself, “Are my relationships in order? Have I expressed love and gratitude to those who mean the most to me?” And, in that moment of reflection, I found comfort in the fact that I had no unfinished business with those I hold dear. My children know how much I love them, and there’s no one important in my life who doesn’t know how I feel about them. It was a poignant reminder that, at the end of the day, it’s our relationships with others that enrich and adds meaning to our lives. We often neglect our relationships, putting off picking up the phone, spending time with family and friends, or telling people how we feel because we are busy. We assume we will have ample time, but this experience taught me that time is a gift we shouldn’t take for granted. We must take every opportunity to strengthen our bonds with family and friends, for we never know when those opportunities may be taken away from us.
The second question I asked was, “Am I doing everything I want in life?” Life is fleeting, and we must grab the opportunities when they present themselves. I firmly believe in living life intentionally, saying yes to experiences that bring me joy and fulfilment. While there are things I still want to do, I have no regrets about the things I have done and the experiences I have had.
The final question that came to mind was, “Are my affairs in order?” I found solace in knowing that my will was up to date, ensuring my family’s security. It is so important not to procrastinate when it comes to getting our affairs in order. Taking the necessary steps to prepare for the future is a responsible and caring act toward our loved ones.
I wholeheartedly encourage you to cherish your relationships, expressing your love and gratitude openly. Embrace life’s adventures. Don’t live a life looking back thinking “if only”; say yes to the things you genuinely desire. And most importantly, take the necessary steps to put your affairs in order, providing peace of mind for yourself and your family.
As first experiences go, becoming a mother-in-law and gaining a new daughter in the family – and of course, seeing the first of my children and my oldest son get married, is pretty epic. And this is my unique and new experience for March!
Adding a new experience to your month does not have to be something large, audacious or expensive. It could just be saying ‘yes’ to something you would not have considered doing before. What I’ve learnt from the three first-time experiences I have shared with you this year is that it always goes hand-in-hand with learning and something new to be grateful for.
Apart from having the best and most joyous time with family and friends at Ryan and Nix’s wedding at the beautiful Webersburg Wine Estate in the Cape, I feel incredibly blessed and privileged to see our family size increase with the very special and much-loved Nix. Still, becoming a mother-in-law for the first time can be daunting, and I’m sure Nix feels the same way about her becoming a wife and daughter-in-law. Getting married is a significant life-changing transition as you move into a new, unexplored and wonderful stage of life.
A few days before the wedding Nix and I chatted about our new future roles. We’ve all heard some horror mother-in-law stories – from criticism, stopping by unannounced to rearrange the furniture without being asked, and coercing the daughter-in-law to have children. Nix and I both felt that it would be helpful for us to set boundaries upfront so we don’t make assumptions about what we each value, trust and respect.
I realise that Nix and Ryan will live their new life together on their terms and in their own way – different from how we live our lives in our family. But I also know that we share common values which gives me a great sense of pride and joy.
Setting boundaries are not only important with in-laws; they are essential for creating trust and respect in any healthy relationship. And honouring the boundaries of others builds a strong connection where each one feels heard, seen and valued and where both your needs are met.
Boundary discussions are brave conversations to have. It’s talking about how you want to be treated and your expectations in the relationship. It also defines what’s acceptable and what is not. It’s brave because by setting boundaries, you value yourself, prioritise your needs and create space to thrive and grow. I love the fact that Nix and I understand each other’s boundaries. It makes me feel safe and secure knowing what she expects of me and what she values and appreciates. These discussions may seem hard at first, but it’s better than the resentment when boundaries are overstepped.
I found a helpful article on PositivePsychology.com written by Jo Nash, who obtained her PhD in Psychotherapy Studies and lectured in mental health at the University of Sheffield. She masterfully explains what boundaries are and how to set healthy ones. I love this explanation of the different boundaries involved in relationships.
Do you have relationships in your life that may need redefined boundaries? Relationships change and evolve, and it may require an adjustment of boundaries. Remember, having boundaries are not selfish or self-centred. It really helps those you love with clear guidelines of how to treat and love you in a way you appreciate.
Have you heard of the term radical acceptance before? In a nutshell, radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering by accepting the facts rather than fighting them. In other words, it is what it is. By radically accepting things out of our control, we prevent ourselves from becoming stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, and sadness.
Last year Chartered Client and retired psychologist Patricia O’Hare wrote an article for Inflight about radical acceptance; however, it was something she had to really put into practice recently when her husband, Kevin, fell ill. Kevin went from working as a doctor, something he loved doing, to being unable to work in a very short time. Overnight their lives turned upside down.
Patricia admits that there have been moments of self-pity, and it’s easy to forget radical acceptance, but when this happens, she reminds herself about the importance of mindfulness by maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of her thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and surrounding environment.
There are also things she does daily and weekly that keep her grounded and mindful – these are her tips:
Yoga
Patricia is a qualified Kundalini yoga teacher. Kundalini yoga is a form of yoga that involves chanting, singing, breathing exercises, and repetitive poses. She teaches several classes a week.
(Don’t be afraid to try yoga, you can start slow and build up – so no, it’s never too late to start.)
Podcasts
In the evening, while exercising, she listens to podcasts. She has always been a huge fan of music, and while she still loves it, she has found recently that podcasts make her reflective and give her things to ponder. She is particularly enjoying Oprah’s Super Soul podcasts and Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us.
(There are endless free podcasts on Spotify; best of all, Spotify works on Android and Apple products.)
Connecting with nature
Few things are as good for the soul as spending time in nature. When spending time at their home in Zimbali, Patricia goes for long walks daily, often off the beaten track, but this connection to nature keeps her grounded and gives her strength to face the uncertainty in her life.
What do you do to remain grounded in times of uncertainty? We would love to hear your tips to share them with all our clients.
There is no doubt that words have power. Their meaning shapes our beliefs, drives our behaviour, and ultimately creates our world. Our words are powerful. They carry our thoughts, our ideas, our feelings and our intentions. Words contain our state of being, both positive and negative As author Yehuda Berg states, “Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity… Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.” Their power arises from our emotional responses when we read, speak, or hear them. For example, say the word “fire” while having a braai, in the workplace, or in a crowded theatre, and you’ll get three completely different but powerful emotional and energetic reactions.
So many of us are in the habit of using the same negative words repeatedly. The problem is that the more we hear, read, or speak a word or phrase, the more power it has over us. This is because the brain uses repetition to learn, searching for patterns and consistency as a way to make sense of the world around us. You may not remember the exact date of the First World War, but chances are you know the 9 x table off by heart because you repeated it over and over again, drilling it into your subconscious. Repetition is the most powerful tool to imprint something into our minds and keep it there.
Negative self-talk is so dangerous. Nothing has more power over our circumstances than the words we tell ourselves. When we assign a word or descriptor to ourselves and believe it (however ridiculous or untrue), we embody it.
A Japanese scientist, Dr Masaru Emoto, has given us physical proof that our thoughts, intentions and words affect the physical world. He discovered that water droplets that had been repeatedly exposed to positive or negative words, profoundly changed the water’s colour, shape, and symmetry. Dr Emoto believes that human consciousness has a direct effect on physical reality.
In his famous rice experiment, Dr Emoto placed rice into three glass beakers and filled them with enough water to submerge the rice. To the first beaker, he stated the phrase “Thank you,” “You’re an idiot”, to the second, and ignored the third.
A month later, the rice that was thanked fermented and gave a pleasant smell. The rice that was affronted turned black, and the rice that was ignored began to rot.
Regardless of whether you are sceptical of Dr Emoto’s experiments, there is no doubt that words have power with which we create our reality, so speak words to yourself that are kind, loving, positive, uplifting and encouraging.
If your life was your favourite Netflix series – would you stop watching halfway through? Will you put down a book by your favourite author and not read the sequel? If you loved Tom Cruise in Top Gun, would you watch the follow-on?
Most people I know would binge-watch a series on Netflix and were the first in line to buy tickets for Top Gun. There’s a certain amount of excitement and anticipation in knowing or seeing what happens next. But so often, when it comes to our own lives, especially after midlife and as we enter our later years, the enthusiasm and enjoyment seem to dwindle.
I believe it’s because of how we think and the words we use to describe this phase of life. Our words hold unimaginable power, and we achieve or become what our minds conceive and believe. If you are considering winding down your life and waiting out retirement, think again. This is not the time to close the book on your life. This is not the time to think that you don’t have an award-winning sequel in the making. Turn your thoughts around and start using words that will inspire you to eagerly anticipate what the future will bring.
I met a lovely couple in their mid-sixties last week who were busy winding down and waiting to retire. They were stuck in limbo – somewhere between having lived a good life and waiting out the rest. Sometimes all you need is a new perspective to turn around the lacklustre words in your vocabulary into a language that makes you want to turn the page. Midway through our conversation, the mood in the room visibly shifted when my clients said: Instead of just waiting to retire, we need to get excited about the new possibilities of our second chapter and write a sequel with a new beginning.
I love watching the shift in people when they realise that retirement is not the end but a new adventure in living – and the words they start using follow suit. I want to remind you how the words you use and the language you speak when it comes to your second chapter can impact what you achieve:
You are not old. You are a holder of knowledge and experience – and the keeper of wisdom.
You are not insignificant. Why not find ways to share your talents, skills and wisdom with the world.
Retirement is not the end. You have the rest of your life to live on your own terms.
Your purpose is not defined by your work. Your purpose can be whatever you want it to be in your second chapter.
Retirement does not mean you will never earn again. You can keep adding value, working and earning for as long as you want.
Don’t tell yourself you can only rely on one source of income. In this phase of life, it is possible to turn a passion into work, a hobby into a business and a dream into potential.
Retirement is not an ‘all or nothing’ scenario. Many people in the second chapter start to bring in other income streams and look at other ideas of work, like part-time work, charity work, mentoring or consulting.
When you start thinking and using words to describe the second half of your life as a new beginning, a world of possibilities opens up to you – new ways of adding value and renewed purpose. Choose your words carefully. How you think creates what you feel and become.
Your second half is the perfect opportunity to turn the page, start a new chapter and edit an unrivalled sequel for yourself.
As I reflect on the past eighteen months, a sense of gratitude envelopes me. And it’s all thanks to you. Words just cannot express how deeply grateful we are for your support, enthusiasm and willingness to embrace our new way of connecting and coming together.
Covid has robbed us of many things, one of them being our basic need for human interaction. It put an end to our face-to-face events, and we needed to think of new ways to meet, chat and connect. Do you remember when we circulated the very first manual explaining how to use Zoom and Teams? You welcomed our new mode of communication, and we enjoyed our first online event so much that we lined up as many as four events in some months. We laughed, sometimes we cried, but most of all, we challenged ourselves to learn and expand our viewpoints on many topics.
I remember coming together with the marketing team and unanimously deciding that webinars won’t be part of our communication mix. Webinars are just too impersonal. We wanted to keep our cameras on and actually see each other. I have learnt that we all need to know that we are not alone, whether introverted or extroverted. There is strength, support, and a whole lot of love to be found in being together.
It has been a difficult journey. And it still is. When the Covid lockdown started, I was encouraged by how many clients joined me to learn from Brené Brown’s teachings. We all needed to learn how to embrace our vulnerability through all this uncertainty. Little did we know how long it was going to last.
I have learnt that laughter is often the best medicine! And did we laugh! We had fun with the Music Guru, Nik Rabinowitz and Quiz night with Lynda and Frank. Paula Quinsee taught us how to navigate the ups and downs of life for more successful relationships, and I loved learning that we can breathe new energy and purpose into stale ones. Nikki Bush’s very personal story of losing her husband and how she found collateral beauty amongst the collateral damage left a mark on all our hearts.
I was deeply moved when you all came together to celebrate the launch of my new book, Midlife Money Makeover. I will forever be grateful for all the cheering and good wishes. Thank you.
We have been a great team! Jeremy Gardiner (Ninety One), Kevin Lings (Stanlib), Brandon Zietsman (Portfolio Metrix) and Izaak Odendaal (Old Mutual Wealth) all came together to update us on our investments and the economy. After the unsettling riots that rocked South Africa recently, Anthony Turton’s talk about historical insights and the outlook for the future was just what we needed.
None of this would have been possible if you had not shown up and embraced change. I believe us all coming together as a community has been very helpful and given us a sense of encouragement as we journey through this uncertain time.
Look out for many more invitations still to come this year. As a special treat, we will be joined online by Pieter Dirk Uys in November. For now, online events are our best and safest way of connecting, but we remain hopeful to host face-to-face events soon.
We hosted an event with Human Potential and Parenting Expert Nikki Bush in honour of Women’s Month. We have all been sitting in a place of extreme discomfort and with an overwhelming sense of lack of control over the past months, and during this insightful talk, Nikki provided us with tips and tools to help us bloom through these times.
Life sends us tremors constantly, and sometimes it sends catastrophic life quakes that can break you open or bury you alive; and according to Nikki, we need to learn how to reframe these situations to reauthor our lives.
1. Getting Comfortable with not knowing
Most of us have spent years building sound financial plans and life plans which provided us with a certain degree of comfort about the future. However, we now know that this is no longer the case; we really don’t know what the future holds in terms of our plans. In order to reframe so that we can become more resilient, we need to get used to this discomfort.
2. Comma or full stop?
When Nikki’s husband, Simon, was tragically murdered at the end of 2017, the life she had known came to an end. In one split second, her whole world changed. Her family of four suddenly became a family of three, and all her hopes and dreams of her future with Simon were shattered. Nikki describes this time in her life as feeling like a full stop. However, with time Nikki began to turn this full stop into a comma, a pause, not the end, and she started creating a different future for herself. She had to actively decide to do that. This journey took her completely out of her comfort zone. She had to go to new places, meet new people and define who Nikki was without Simon. She urged us to consider whether significant moments in our lives where we feel completely out of control are full stops or commas.
3. Collateral beauty versus Collateral damage
Not only did she lose her husband, but she also lost her home and her anchor. Her family picture had been broken. While it was understandably easy for her to focus on all that was lost and broken, she also decided to focus on what she had gained, as with the damage came beauty too. Nikki calls this exercise in perspective Collateral Damage vs Collateral Beauty. In this exercise, she encourages you to fold a piece of paper in half. On one side, write the collateral damage of a particular situation, and on the other side, write down the collateral beauty. Take lockdown, for example; you would perhaps write isolation from family and friends on the collateral damage side, but what could the collateral beauty be? Could it be that you learnt new skills such as Zoom, which now means that you connect with friends and family overseas more regularly? It’s important to always look for the beauty in situations, and this exercise provides a perfect opportunity to gain perspective.
Nikki ended the session with this quote “Listen for the messages in the flames, and dig for the treasures in the ashes.”
