The Bittersweet Farewell: When Your Loved Ones Leave South Africa

The thrill of opportunity and the promise of a brighter future—these are the images often painted when our children or grandchildren decide to spread their wings and fly to foreign shores. Yet, beneath the excitement and logic that propel us to cheer them on, there lies a profound and often unexpected grief. It’s a complex emotion, a bittersweet mix of pride and pain, that echoes in the hearts of countless South African parents and grandparents.

My own journey with this complex emotion began this month when my son Mike embarked on an adventure to pursue his master’s degree in international business at the University of South Carolina, a programme that qualifies him for a work visa and subsequent career opportunities in the United States, making it uncertain if and when he will return home. On the surface, it was a decision brimming with potential and excitement. Below this excitement, however, was a growing sense of emptiness. The realisation that my daily interactions, the shared laughter, and his comforting presence would be replaced by fleeting visits and digital connections was a stark and sobering truth.

It’s a grief that often feels at odds with the circumstances. Logic dictates that this is a positive chapter, a stepping stone to a fulfilling life. But the heart, it seems, has its own agenda. It yearns for the familiar, the comforting rhythms of shared existence.

This experience was amplified when I considered the impact of Mike’s departure on my parents. The passage of time, with its inherent fragility, casts a different light on these farewells. While I can still plan and anticipate future visits, their ability to do the same is limited by the uncertainties of age, making the goodbye even more heart-wrenching.

My mother found comfort in the words of Kahlil Gibran, which she shared with me. His poignant reflection on children as “arrows loaned to you by life” resonated deeply with her. As he writes, “They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.” These words, while offering little comfort in the moment, provided a broader perspective on the cyclical nature of life.

So, how do we navigate this complex landscape of emotions?

• Acknowledge your feelings: It’s essential to give yourself permission to grieve. This isn’t about denying the opportunities or minimising the achievements; it’s about acknowledging the depth of your love and the changes that accompany this new chapter.
• Build a support network: Connect with other people who are experiencing similar emotions. Sharing your feelings can be incredibly therapeutic.
• Embrace technology: While it can never replace physical presence, technology offers invaluable connections and can help bridge geographical distances.
• Create new rituals: Establish new traditions to mark special occasions. Whether it’s a weekly video call, a WhatsApp group, or a virtual family gathering, these rituals can provide a sense of continuity. My son created a WhatsApp group for the extended family where he posts videos, pictures, and daily ramblings.
• Don’t be afraid of social media: If your grandchildren/children are on Instagram or TikTok, go ahead and create an account and follow them. This can be a great way to stay connected and up-to-date with their lives.

Remember, this is a journey, not a destination. It’s about finding a balance between celebrating their successes and honouring your own emotions. With time, the pain will soften, and the joy of their accomplishments will continue to grow. Hopefully, one day, the distance will feel like a bridge rather than a barrier, cultivating a deeper and more meaningful connection.