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Author: Patricia O’Hare

Falling in Love with Retirement: Our Slice of Paradise

We are singularly blessed to spend our retirement in what I consider to be my very own Garden of Eden. Our home is nestled in a magnificent coastal forest estate on the KZN North Coast, where we enjoy breathtaking sea views and are surrounded on three sides by pristine coastal forests.

Living so immersed in nature is incredibly therapeutic, though it has its share of unexpected visitors. We’ve had our fair share of snake encounters—usually harmless Natal Green snakes (at least, according to me!). The abundance of monkeys can be troublesome, but we’ve learned to baton down the hatches when they come through. Fortunately, they don’t linger for long. We purchased monkey screens for Christmas, which has certainly helped keep them at bay!

A Leap of Faith: Moving from Gauteng to the Coast

I was initially reluctant to leave my life and home in Gauteng – we spent 54 wonderful years in Vereeniging. Quite frankly, I couldn’t imagine calling anywhere else home. Although we owned our coastal house for nearly 30 years, it was always just our holiday retreat.

Taking the plunge to move permanently was a significant decision but one we don’t regret. Our new life is even better than our old one. Still, I’ve realised that embracing change requires actively seeking out new experiences and opportunities.

Golf, Friendships, and the Unpredictable Weather

As an avid golfer, I quickly found my way onto the fairways and was warmly welcomed by a fantastic group of like-minded women. In a good week, I play up to four rounds—though the weather here is far less predictable than on the Highveld. Wind and rain make for challenging conditions, but if you wait for a calm day, you won’t play much golf at all!

A Commitment to Conservation

Caring for the environment has always been important to me, and I’ve found a wonderful way to contribute through a monthly beach clean-up group. Walking along the shoreline, I can’t help but pick up discarded plastic and polystyrene—so much so that I now won’t go for a beach walk without a garbage bag slung over my shoulder.

Beyond the beach, the estate boasts well-marked walking trails winding through the coastal forests. These walks often bring me face-to-face with bushbuck, blue duiker, and a spectacular variety of birdlife. There’s something deeply meditative about strolling through these trails, surrounded by nothing but the quiet hum of nature.

Quizzing, Camaraderie, and a Good Glass of Wine

My husband and I are keen quizzers and have been lucky to join a local quiz team. More often than not, we’re the go-to sources for any pre-1980s trivia! Despite the age gap, our younger teammates have embraced us warmly. Of course, no quiz night is complete without a delicious meal and a few generous glasses of red wine.

Up Close with the Estate’s Feathered Residents

I recently had the privilege of joining a bird-ringing event on the estate, where expert birders set up special nets before sunrise to safely capture and tag wild birds for research. Each bird was carefully weighed, measured, and released, with the data sent to the University of Cape Town.

The findings were fascinating—a resident crowned eagle is at least 29 years old, and a tagged bird returning from Antarctica had lost 50% of its body weight on the journey. We even learned how to hold a bird properly; some remained perched on our fingers despite being unrestrained. With over 250 bird species on the estate, it was a rare treat to get up close with around 20 of them, including the elusive Marsh Fluff Tail.

Living in Our Own Garden of Eden

These are just a few of the many reasons why we believe we live in a little slice of paradise. Retirement here has been more rewarding than we could have ever imagined. What more could anyone ask for?

Ring the bells that can still ring

At the age of 72, I am so blessed to be still able to work part-time at a Mental Health Care Unit nearby. Not only does this job provide me with stimulation (which I crave in this Covid dominated world), but it also allows me to interact with all the other doctors and therapists in the team. Each of them brings new ideas and suggestions which are truly invigorating.

The therapeutic modality which we follow in this ward is called Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT) – a well-researched and documented therapy especially for disorders where emotional dysregulation causes negative consequences for the patient. The overall goal of the therapy is to give patients a life worth living. The programme is skills-based, and a number of the skills taught can also be invaluable to people who do not fall into the emotional dysregulation category – they are good, simple, down-to-earth life skills that can be used in various situations by a variety of individuals.

The particular skill I would like to share is called Radical Acceptance, which is defined as “complete and total acceptance, from deep within, the facts of reality. It involves acknowledging facts that are true and letting go of the fight with reality” (Linehan).

The above definition sounds obvious, yet for many people, when reality does not accord with their hoped for or expected reality, a huge mental and emotional process is unleashed. This flood of negative thoughts and emotions can be very unsettling and interferes with the individual’s coping capacity. The emotional mind goes into overdrive with intense feelings of disbelief, fear, outrage and anger, to name but a few. The emotional mind then dominates the rational mind. The result is usually poor problem-solving techniques followed by impulsive behaviour (which is generally later regretted) and the ensuing emotions of shame and regret, which add to the emotional turmoil.

To identify whether you have trouble with radical acceptance, monitor your thoughts for a while, and if you catch yourself thinking thoughts like” this shouldn’t happen, this can’t be happening, this is not fair, I don’t deserve this, I don’t believe this” you would, in all likelihood, have problems with radical acceptance. When you are unable to accept what is, all your emotional energy is used to generate more and more inflammatory thoughts and emotions. This type of behaviour will never result in acceptance because all you are doing is fanning the flames instead of trying to douse them. No matter how unpalatable the event that caused your pain, if you don’t allow yourself to accept what is, the pain will persevere and cause prolonged suffering.

To illustrate the above, a song by Leonard Cohen comes to mind (I am an unabashed devotee of his – his poetry is magic). The song is Anthem, and the chorus line is as follows:

This refrain encapsulates for me all the ideas about radical acceptance. Firstly, there is always a chance for a new beginning even though it may not be our ideal – there will always be bells that still can ring even though your preferred one is out of the equation. Secondly, forget the perfect offering because it doesn’t always guarantee the perfect outcome. Thirdly, there is a crack in everything – although perfection is highly desired, it is seldom realised. Lastly, that’s how the light gets in refers to possibilities and a new way of thinking that may not have been possible had the crack not appeared to let the light in.

Radical acceptance is a tool that you can use, not to dull the pain but to prevent long-time suffering because of your inability to say, “So be it. Amen”