Skip to main content

Makeover from the inside out

Written by Kim Potgieter on . Posted in Purpose. No Comments on Makeover from the inside out

We have been in a state of flux for almost two years now. Our lives and our circumstances have become fluid and our boundaries flexible. The old rules no longer apply. And just as we think we have a handle on how things are in a new kind of normal, things change again. If you’ve recently tried booking an international flight, you’ll know what I’m talking about. The rules about being on the red, green or orange list and Covid protocols around entries and exits constantly fluctuate. It’s confusing.

I was attending an online workshop when this quote popped onto the screen: “Never allow a good crisis to go to waste. It’s an opportunity to do the things you once thought were impossible.” – Rahm Emanuel, Obama adviser, 2008

The quote inspired me. It also explained why so many of us have undergone such powerful makeovers from the inside out. We’ve made massive mindshifts in many ways. But one, in particular, has stood out for me – the courageous act of letting go.

I started hearing from clients about things they let go of when I wrote the two eBooks and Midlife Money Makeover last year. Some clients got rid of small habits with big rewards, like not buying take-outs, buying fewer coffees on the run and travelling local instead of international. Others have focussed inwards and chucked out thoughts that make them feel ‘less-than’, anger, guilt, the need for approval, and preconceived ideas of how they think their lives should look. I have been most excited seeing how people let go of living in ways that don’t fulfil them and embrace the life they yearn for.

I am intentionally trying to throw out being in a rush. I don’t always get it right and see this journey as work in progress. I have always had an urgency to get things done and would often start thinking of my next project while still busy with a current one. I remember making lists of all the things I have left out of my first book Retiremeant – get more meaning from your money, and the next book was already taking shape in my head shortly after it was published. My mindshift is to focus more on the present. To savour special moments and make them last. With my latest book, Midlife Money Makeover, I am going to try my best to spend the next few years exploring what value people have found in the book and consciously enjoy the process.

I have been a maximiser my entire life. I move fast and get things done quickly. Now, I savour special slow-down moments and have brought a PJ-stay-at-home day into my weekly mix. So many of our clients have shifted from a fixed to an open mindset since the start of Covid. We are trying new things, being a little more daring, embracing challenges and living life more fully. Having an open mindset has made all these positive changes possible.

We recently explored this concept at Chartered through our work with empowerment coach and director of Change in Mindset, Claire Holden. She guided us through an exercise on understanding mindsets and how to shift from a fixed to open one. I have included her exercise in this newsletter for you. If you are feeling fearful in the face of so much change, give it a go. The overall message is that mindsets can be changed!

Wishing you the courage to live more fully.

Ring the bells that can still ring

Written by Patricia O’Hare on . Posted in Purpose. 3 Comments on Ring the bells that can still ring

At the age of 72, I am so blessed to be still able to work part-time at a Mental Health Care Unit nearby. Not only does this job provide me with stimulation (which I crave in this Covid dominated world), but it also allows me to interact with all the other doctors and therapists in the team. Each of them brings new ideas and suggestions which are truly invigorating.

The therapeutic modality which we follow in this ward is called Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT) – a well-researched and documented therapy especially for disorders where emotional dysregulation causes negative consequences for the patient. The overall goal of the therapy is to give patients a life worth living. The programme is skills-based, and a number of the skills taught can also be invaluable to people who do not fall into the emotional dysregulation category – they are good, simple, down-to-earth life skills that can be used in various situations by a variety of individuals.

The particular skill I would like to share is called Radical Acceptance, which is defined as “complete and total acceptance, from deep within, the facts of reality. It involves acknowledging facts that are true and letting go of the fight with reality” (Linehan).

The above definition sounds obvious, yet for many people, when reality does not accord with their hoped for or expected reality, a huge mental and emotional process is unleashed. This flood of negative thoughts and emotions can be very unsettling and interferes with the individual’s coping capacity. The emotional mind goes into overdrive with intense feelings of disbelief, fear, outrage and anger, to name but a few. The emotional mind then dominates the rational mind. The result is usually poor problem-solving techniques followed by impulsive behaviour (which is generally later regretted) and the ensuing emotions of shame and regret, which add to the emotional turmoil.

To identify whether you have trouble with radical acceptance, monitor your thoughts for a while, and if you catch yourself thinking thoughts like” this shouldn’t happen, this can’t be happening, this is not fair, I don’t deserve this, I don’t believe this” you would, in all likelihood, have problems with radical acceptance. When you are unable to accept what is, all your emotional energy is used to generate more and more inflammatory thoughts and emotions. This type of behaviour will never result in acceptance because all you are doing is fanning the flames instead of trying to douse them. No matter how unpalatable the event that caused your pain, if you don’t allow yourself to accept what is, the pain will persevere and cause prolonged suffering.

To illustrate the above, a song by Leonard Cohen comes to mind (I am an unabashed devotee of his – his poetry is magic). The song is Anthem, and the chorus line is as follows:

This refrain encapsulates for me all the ideas about radical acceptance. Firstly, there is always a chance for a new beginning even though it may not be our ideal – there will always be bells that still can ring even though your preferred one is out of the equation. Secondly, forget the perfect offering because it doesn’t always guarantee the perfect outcome. Thirdly, there is a crack in everything – although perfection is highly desired, it is seldom realised. Lastly, that’s how the light gets in refers to possibilities and a new way of thinking that may not have been possible had the crack not appeared to let the light in.

Radical acceptance is a tool that you can use, not to dull the pain but to prevent long-time suffering because of your inability to say, “So be it. Amen”