Love, as they say, makes the world go around. To go places, do things, this love does need money!

Speak kindly to each other, talk gently and considerately about money and you will be a formidable team in making your life dreams go places!

I have compiled a list of five tips that I have learnt while doing Life Planning.

1. It’s never too late or too early to have courageous money conversations

We so often avoid just talking about money in our relationships.

These conversations are difficult, emotionally charged and often come from a place of extreme discomfort and fear.

This is because we all have a different relationship with money. Each of one us has our very own money story that was formed in our childhood, and often, we still carry the same emotions and beliefs about money in our hearts through to adulthood.

I have learnt to talk about money when the relationship is going well. Don’t confuse relationship troubles with money troubles. Have regular conversations and integrate these conversations into your married life.

The resentment and conflict are often precisely because we don’t have these conversations. Keeping your emotions and feelings in check because you are too afraid to speak about money is not healthy.

2. Share your money beliefs

Everyone has a different relationship with money, and even if you believe that you and partner have most things in common, it is unlikely that you have the same money story.

Our relationship with money starts when we are young and the money messages we hear from our parents shape our money story. By the time you reach adulthood, your money story is so ingrained in your belief system that it functions on autopilot.

Partnering with someone who has a very different money story to you can make things even more complex.

Consider asking your partner these questions:

• What is your first memory around money?
• What formed your relationship with money?
• What is your fear or money trigger?

The answers to these questions will help you understand how the money memories from childhood impacts on your partner’s belief around money today.

If you take the time to understand how each other’s relationship with money was formed, you will have a much clearer picture of how this impacts their behaviour and choices around money today. And importantly, you will understand what their money fears and triggers are.

3. Plan your goals and dreams

This is where you get to have some fun together.

Work on a list of goals and dreams together and have fun doing it. Just by having the opportunity to talk about your life goals makes it feel attainable. And listen to your partner’s goals and dreams.

Perhaps you will find some common goals, and perhaps you will find yourselves more easily accepting of each other’s dreams, even if they are different to yours.

If you both know what you as a couple want to spend money on, or how important saving is, or how much time you want to allocate to enjoyment and having fun, or even what your Bucket Wheel items are – and if you both buy into the plan, then you can start working towards common goals.

4. Money is a combined responsibility

Responsibility can be a burden, especially if you take it on alone. It’s the same with money. It’s unfair to make one partner responsible for the financial well-being of the entire family.

Work together, work towards the same goals and dreams.

Your Financial Plan must enable the life you envisage together. And if you are not comfortable with financial management, learn and empower yourself.

Support your partner by engaging and participating in the financial responsibilities.

5. Don’t manipulate and control with money. 

Remember, money has no power other than the power we give it.

Using money for this purpose, either by withholding it, as a means to punish, to show love or as something to be respected for, is the wrong place to put money in your relationship.

Money is just money – it has one purpose only, to enable the life you and your family dream of having.

Money troubles are the leading cause of marital problems in South Africa. This is not new to us; we have all heard the statistics before.  

But in my more than ten years of interviewing clients in Life Planning meetings, I have come to realise that couples don’t actually argue about the amount or lack of money they have. It is not the money they are fighting about. It is the power that goes with it.

Money and happiness
As I reflected on a recent Life Planning meeting with a married couple, I realised that there is much to learn about the role of money in relationships. And, that you are never too young, or too old to learn how your relationship with money can impact on your relationship with a loved one.

Just for fun, I decided to research the happiness factor of lottery winners, and visited the Ranker web-site, a digital media company in Los Angeles that holds one of the largest databases of opinion polls in the world. According to the Ranker opinion poll, 43% of people who win the lottery say the money has not improved their state of happiness in any way. At least 90% of lottery winners lose friends due to jealousy and resentment.

So yes, money certainly does not buy happiness, but how can we manage money in our relationships to ensure that it does not lead to a breakdown of our happiness?

The Call to be Courageous
Back to the Life Planning meeting with the married couple. This couple has been married for over 40 years, and for the first time in her life, the wife admitted that she has never been included in their financial planning process as a couple. She felt that she had no value to add, and had handed over the responsibility of their financial affairs to “others”. I am always surprised in client meetings how valuable it is to put courageous money conversations on the table. Sometimes I feel that clients are more at ease having these conversations with a Retiremeant™ Specialist present, as a mediator and safe-keeper of emotions.

This one meeting had such a profound impact on my day, and reminded me once again why we do what we do at Chartered. A marriage cannot be built on money, but as surely as it cannot buy happiness, it can so easily destroy a relationship. And it’s not the money that destroys the marriage. It’s the meaning we give to money, the emotions that come with money, the beliefs we have around money, and the expectations about money.

And so, with SA marriage week coming up from 1-7 September, maybe it’s time to have a heart-to-heart with ourselves and our partners about the role of money in our relationships. As the saying goes: You live and you learn – and luckily for us, we are never too old to learn.

Warm regards

We have a wonderful opportunity to teach our children responsible and healthy money lessons.

Imagine the possibilities for your children if they grow up with a healthy relationship with money – one where they don’t measure their self-worth by how much money they have … or don’t have. Over the years, many clients have expressed to me their various regrets and happiness around unhealthy and healthy money lessons they had learnt from their parents, and in turn, taught their children.

Some are proud of, and others regret the money messages shared.

As parents, it is our duty to teach our children right from wrong, but at the same time, be aware of not teaching them to be just like us. I am sure many parents have deliberated on messages and behaviours they would like to pass on to their children. And I guarantee you that no parent wants consciously to teach their children bad behaviour and unhealthy habits. or to pass on low self-esteem.

If you had to ask most parents what their number one wish for their children is, the answer will most probably be “happiness.” So how do we teach our children and perhaps grandchildren about money to inspire happy lives?

You can teach your children unintentionally or intentionally. Most communication to our children is probably unintentional. Children learn from what they hear, see and experience while growing up, and if your relationship with money is based on fear, loss and anxiety, then this is the message that you are unintentionally passing on. And in all probability, these were the messages passed on to you by your parents.

Would it surprise you to hear that recent research tells us that children’s money habits are formed by age seven? And that, as adults, we operate on a subconscious level 95% of the time? This means that our conscious mind is really only working 5% of the time while our subconscious mind runs the show most of the time!

Intentional teaching is sharing thoughtful money messages. We as parents can only teach thoughtful messages if we are aware of our own money story, understand our relationship with money and have the wisdom to change the behaviours that don’t serve us, and keep the ones that enable our lives in a positive way.

Real-life examples

I recently participated in a Life Planning meeting with a father and son. The father reflected on the money messages he heard while growing up. His father taught him to work hard for his money, and with hard work, comes reward. You may consider this to be a positive money message, but reflect for a moment if the message would have been more powerful if it had been about “earning money by adding value”? This father, now 70 years old, is still working hard for his money. He fears that if he is not working hard, he is not adding value and therefore not deserving of earning.

The father unintentionally passed this same message on to his son. He also works incredibly hard but expresses the wish to be able work “cleverly,” so that he can shape a more balanced life for himself. Father and son wholeheartedly agreed that this is a cycle they would like to break. They don’t mind working hard, but recognise the need for balance: more time to laugh, relax and just living the life they were meant to live. I am sure that the constraining message will not be passed on to future generations in this family.

Ingrid is a client who reflects on a very positive and empowering money story passed on to her by her father. Her father empowered his girls to be independent; he supported and sponsored their tertiary education at a time when most women were not encouraged to study. He instilled a belief in them that anything is possible. This belief Ingrid’s father had in her capability and ability to succeed served her well. Because of this, Ingrid has had the courage and determination to follow her true purpose in life – and make a success of it!

It astonishes me how powerful father and son relationships can be. In honour of Father’s Day this month, I would like to share one more father and son story that has inspired me as a mother of two boys. The son shared with me that his father always asked, “How much pocket money do you feel you deserve for the time it took to do your chores?” This money message has had a wonderful positive impact on the son’s life. Today, he sees earning money as an exchange for time. His most precious commodity in life is “time”. He will therefore always compare the value of his time versus the money that he is earning for his time. He is now planning to retire early from his formal career and re-invent his work so that he and his wife have more time to explore some of their unfulfilled dreams.

My parting thought on learning and teaching is a money message about saving and investing – the value of compound interest. This could be a fun activity to do with your grandchildren. My advice is not to just establish a savings or investment account for them, but rather to involve them in the process, engage with them on how it works – in this way you are helping them to take ownership from a young age.

Wishing you many happy – and intentional – courageous currency conversations in your family!